I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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