So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
