So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
A bitchslap is in order.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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