Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
