He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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