ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
