Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
