she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
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the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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