I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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