dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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