Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
