omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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