Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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