i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So apparently I’m into choking now
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
