Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
