True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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