I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
