She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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