someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize