tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
