I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
