I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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