She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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