what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
