My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
