new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
