Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
