Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
