I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
