I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
