Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
