my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
