He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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