i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
