i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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