im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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