i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
