i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
