Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
