Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
