my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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