people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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