I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need to calm my uterus...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
