the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
