I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
