I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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