Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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