There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize