Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
