I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
