This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
