I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
