The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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