we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
