i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Let's get the cat blown out
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
